Dear ___,
I’m writing to you because anytime now I’ll forgive you.
But she abandoned me!
Your actions made mefeelabandoned because they used to make me feel accepted, butmy feelings, valid they may be, are nobody’s responsibility but mine.
Your quick goodbye before moving to the other half of the planet had yet to hit me, so I pretended to understand when you said, “It took a lot of waiting,” while rushing to a goodbye like you didn’t see the opportunity coming.
There might have been uncertainty, but I thoughtwe shared our uncertainties.SlowlyI realized I wasn’t someone you talked about the things that mattered to you, rather about the things that distracted you from what mattered. I treat my cigarette that way; it’s no way of treating a friend. A friend is not an immediate source of low pleasure,merelysomeone to idle talk with, so you- now having quenched your thirst for shallowness- can dive deep into your solitude to do the real talking to yourself. Friendship is not a means to an end. Friendshipisthe end.
But anytime now I will forgive you.
She was busy.
Yes, you probably were. You must have been overwhelmed by the details of a new space, a new time zone;you must have beenoverstimulatedall dayand exhausted by theend of the day. Then again, aren’t you always? Is yourhypervigilancea response to your surroundings, or a predisposition? I can tell because I share this predisposition.
No matter where we are- home or abroad- we are… in a cave. We arealways in the survival mode. We believe we aremore in danger than the people around us, so we feelentitled to usethem as a means to our safety. Although the safety is imagined like the danger,unlike the constant danger, the safety is fleeting. That is, no onehas evermade us feelsafe for long enough, so we feelentitled to dispose of them until, I too, have beendisposed of.
But anytime now I will forgive youand never write to you anymore because I’m trying to dismantlethe cave, which we used to have our idle talks in,andsubvertthe survival mode that we bonded over.
Sincerely-
